Its been awhile since weve talked, so you may not remember me (although if youre as great as they say you are, I shouldnt have to tell you my name for you to know who I am). Anyway, this may be a bit unexpected, but I believe were due for a chat. Nope, this isnt another Christmas wish list, but I believe youve been slacking in some rather important areas and I only want to help you improve your image. You see, aside from certain age groups (particularly young children and perhaps some elderly people), youre not looked upon as highly as you may imagine. Many even consider you to be a symbol of consumerism and the commercialization of Christmas, destroying its oft argued true meaning. Im not here to discuss that, but I do think that if you want to truly become a great, respected symbol of Christmas, there are some issues that must be addressed.
Now, Santa, before I continue, please understand that Im not blaming you. I know you probably have little control over issues like this, but being one of the biggest symbols of Christmas, I think that you could take a little responsibility in making it a better holiday. Even though you specialize in gift giving, I figure that as something of a celebrity you could find a way to get the message out.
First things first. As you may have noticed, the Christmas season has been taking up more and more of the calendar year. Now, as someone who hasnt been around all that long, I cant really complain about the good ol days back when no one even mentioned Christmas until a week into December and all that jazz, and Im sure the Christmas season has had an early start for a while now, but I think most will agree that there is definitely an issue when Halloween decorations are intermingled with Christmas decorations in store displays. I do not want to be pushing aside boxes of ornaments to buy some Halloween candy. This may seem like an exaggeration, Santa, but I kid you notI went to several stores in October with Christmas trees already on display for sale. Im not going to lie to you; I love Christmas, and I know that as a major representative of that holiday, it probably makes you happy to see such a large chunk of the year devoted to it. However, did you ever think of the other holidays? Halloween gets a fair share of the spotlight, sure, but poor Thanksgiving is almost completely overshadowed by the looming presence of Christmas. The Christmas-themed commercials start popping up right at the beginning of November, and sometimes it seems the only reason people look forward to Thanksgiving is the huge day of sales immediately following it (although food is a nice bonus). What do most buy at these sales? Thats rightChristmas gifts. Think about it. The turkey theyve eaten hasnt even been fully digested and at the word go theyre standing in line to spend hundreds or even thousands on Christmas gifts. Does that seem fair to you? Dont you think there should be, I dont know, a few days after Thanksgiving to rest or spend time with family? I mean, Thanksgiving is supposed to be all about being grateful, and for someone who supposedly advocates the joy of giving, Id think that you would support that before the massive buying frenzy.
So, in regards to this subject, do you think you could lie low for a while before the start of December? Im all for having your first appearance of the year being at the end of the Thanksgiving Day parade, personally. Having the Christmas season condensed into a shorter time frame may help it feel more special, too, so I figure its a win-win situation. You get more time to boss your elves around and eat cookies (or whatever it is you do the rest of the year), and your holiday gets a bit of a better reputation. See where Im going with this?
On a more personal note, heres another thing: Do you think its possible for you to be a bit more consistent with your wish granting? As a child, I used to wonder why there were so many poor people if you are supposed to give gifts to everyone in the world. Im sure Im not alone in thinking this, and I think your inconsistency is losing you some major points with a lot of people. Again, I assume there are rules for this kind of thing, but at the very least you could donate money to a charity or sponsor an anti-poverty organization. I assure you that this will help bring you back into a more positive light. I will say this, though, I think the Salvation Army Santas that show up around Christmastime were a good move on your part.
However, some of us are starting to get the idea that youre slacking, and while there are people out there getting iPhones, PlayStation 3s, and sports cars for Christmas, others are getting socks, teapots, and fruitcakes. Are you showing some kind of favoritism? Im not saying that I want any of those things, but I think it would be greatly appreciated (well, mostly by the sock-receivers) if you found a middle ground. For example, if you give someone a pair of socks next year, you could give them an iPod next year. Sure, theyll have one year of disappointment, but imagine their shock and happiness when they get an awesome gift next year. See what I mean? Things even out. Giving people bad gifts year after year makes them disappointed and angry at you, and seeing people get good gifts regularly only makes things worse. Actually, I think all Im getting at here is that no one wants socks for Christmas, so please take a flamethrower to your entire stock and have a nice bonfire. You could, I dont know, roast chestnuts over it or something.
Hmm, there are quite a few more things I could talk about, but with Christmas only a few days away, Im sure youre very busy so I wont take up more of your time. Seriously, though, just work on making Christmas more enjoyable for everyone and Im sure youll quickly be returned to your former greatness.
On a final note, please ignore all those heath-conscious people that think you should stop eating sweets and start working out. No one really cares that youre fat, and if they really wanted someone like that to hand out gifts, they could always hire the Terminator. Merry Christmas, and I wish you the best of luck with your rounds this year.